My Story

Life has always been a struggle, at least seemingly so. The struggle of the mind, the struggle of the body, the struggle with addiction have always been so real for me since I can remember, and for that I have suffered greatly. This perception of internal struggle has caused a lot of pain and heartache over the years, however, I can thank nothing else for making me the woman that I am today; a woman who is sober and at peace.
My first experience with alcohol was at the tender age of 12. The knowledge of alcoholism was openly expressed through my childhood because of my parent's personal struggle with the disease and I remember many encounters with the 12 step community over those early years. This knowledge, however, had absolutely no impact on my decision to imbibe. This decision, in fact, was made with the subconscious idea that later I would become a full fledged alcoholic. I drank anyways, and I loved it! I did not drink to intoxication on my first experience but it was the feeling that I was chasing after, and it has been this feeling that I have been chasing my entire life; the feeling of losing control, the feeling of absolute freedom, enjoyment, acceptance of what is... Release... Sweet, sweet release!
When it came to relationships I chose them based solely on the prerequisite of alcohol involvement; do they drink and are they willing and able to get me alcohol. I was only attracted to men who could support my ever growing habit. I loved these men, they loved me and we loved hard. Codependent relationships were the perfect side dish to my alcoholism. If I wasn't obsessed about booze I was obsessed about people. The illusion of control or even the lack thereof was intoxicating in and of itself. I had to have it. I had to exert my control over something at all times. I consequently felt worthless and unimportant if this exertion was not present. I couldn't function.
The unmanageability of life took hold very quickly as I was unable to keep up with my classes, my illusive and abusive relationships and my rollercoaster emotional state. I crumbled at the most trivial circumstances and the only thing that was constant was booze. It was the only thing I had that wouldn't turn on me, abandon me, fail me. It was always there to pick me up and I could be myself in it's presence. I sought it out in times of celebration, times of pain, and times of boredom. It was my everything. I was in love!
Then came the day when alcohol reared it's ugly head. After years of devotion and commitment my love had turned on me. It began to harm me in the same way I thought all of my people had. There I was disappointed and betrayed, yet again. Instead of walking away, as normal people do, I chased. I held on with the death grip of a grieving widow. I drank, and I drank, and I drank regardless of the harm that it caused me and the world around me. I couldn't stop. I had short lived "dry" moments but could never stay away for good. My dearest would sneak back in as any past lover might and would wreak havoc as it always had. On many occasions I could convince myself that this time it would work but every time I was left heartbroken and ashamed; back into the hole I had crawled out of.
It wasn't until alcohol had literally beat me to a bloody pulp that I hit the bottom and began to look for a way out.
And here I stand, miles from where I began. Hearing my story of sobriety one might wonder why the fuck or even how the fuck I haven't picked up drinking again. The things I have been through as a sober woman are so much more traumatic than anything else I have ever experienced. Sometimes even I wonder, "How?" The truth that lies beneath it all is one that has no words, one that cannot be explained. It was expressed to me early on that if I wanted to stay sober I was going to have to begin a path of higher living, higher being and higher seeking. With years of self searching and righting my wrongs I can now say that I walk "the beauty way" hand in hand with my creator! I have developed a relationship with the collective creation and have been bequeathed the gift of freedom; a freedom that could not have been given by any human experience, one that could only be granted by God.
The walls have collapsed, windows been cracked and doors opened. As I work I grow. The harder the work the bigger the growth. I can now say, based on my experience with complete and unwavering conviction that the limit does not exist. There is nothing on this earth that I cannot do and my new purpose in life is to prove it.
Please, follow me on my journey to my highest self. On this journey I will speak of my personal accounts regarding everything emotional, spiritual, and physical. I will talk of things such as personal relationships, exercise, food, yoga, God. Every human experience that I have I will share and every bit of growth I will express all in hopes of MAYBE touching the lives of others who may struggle the same way that I do.
Always remember that the limit does not exist!
LE
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